Learn how to REACT

Having a child with a difficult or “spirited” temperament can be a demanding and rocky road for parents.

 My son Lucas was born on 8-26-06. He wasn't due until late September but decided to make his presence a few weeks early. Lucas' difficult/spirited temperament began very early. Before Lucas was born, I was convinced that children who are raised the same way would have similar outcomes. Was I wrong! My son's personality started shining through very early. He had difficulty breast feeding and it was due to his frustration that the milk wasn't coming out fast enough. He did not sleep well and continues to remain restless at age six. He had terrible night terrors that would wake us up in a dead sleep with him screaming like someone was hurting him. He had little tolerance when things did not go his way and he would break out in tantrums regularly. Lucas was very impulsive, had strong emotions and would act out without thinking about the consequences.  He also could not sit still for more than a minute or so.

These behaviors were such a shock to me and created a very difficult transition.  Truth be told, I was jealous of those parents who had already raised their children and envied those parents that were not struggling with a difficult temperament child. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.  

Today Lucas still has some anger outbursts, he still doesn’t sleep well at night, his attention span is narrow, and he continues to exhibit strong emotions.  However, things have improved from the night terrors, screaming, and impulsive hitting. 

For those of you struggling with a child who has a difficult temperament, here are a few tools that could help you REACT in the most appropriate way. 

Routine is important.  Children with a difficult temperament need to know what is coming next.  This can avoid impulsive behavior. They need structure and predictability in their life. 

Encouragement. These children need to be encouraged and challenged.  Many children with difficult/spirited temperament have a high IQ.  Encourage your child when they do not act on impulse, when they make a good choice and choose not to act out.  Many times children with a difficult/spirited personality are remorseful after they react. Find the strengths of these children and focus on that.

Activity is important.  Children who have a difficult/spirited personality need time every day to be active.  Many times they have a lot of energy.  If that energy can be channeled to activity it could avoid outbursts later.

Calm reactions are crucial.  Avoid power struggles with your child.  Learn to pick your battles.  When your difficult/spirited temperamental child has an outburst it is very easy for our emotions to get stirred up. Resist the need to elevate your voice or get upset even when your child is hitting or kicking.  Take a deep breath and know that after the outburst you can talk with your child in a rational way.  Children who are displaying an outburst cannot use reason during that time.  

Teach self-control.  As your child begins to recognize their behavior start teaching self-control.  When they get angry tell them that they need to count to five or take five deep breaths.   Later they will remember that and begin trying to contain their impulsive behavior.  Provide consequences for actions and teach expected behavior. 

By keeping these tips in mind, you can REACT in a much more appropriate way.  Raising a difficult/spirited child can result in a creative, smart, well-rounded child, teenager and adult!