Control and the Important Things.....

As a parent we need to remember the things that can influence our parenting outcomes.  We need to keep in mind that there are things in life that we cannot control and then there are things that are important.  We need to focus on what we can control and what is important.  If we can't control it, we should not concern ourselves with it.  Like the saying goes....

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."  This can make all the difference in our parenting endeavor.

If we plan a trip and the weather turns out to be less than desirable, we accept what we cannot control (the weather) and move on.  We cannot control the weather but we can control our response.  We can enjoy our plan B, dance in the rain, or we can have a negative attitude about the situation.

In the end we have to remain focused on the important things and think about what we are teaching our children. 

Are we teaching them.....

The importance of a plan B,  that we can learn to dance in the rain, or....  that we are frustrated and angry about a situation that we have no control over.

Think about it and set an example for your child/ren by choosing a plan B or dancing in the rain.  In the end you will be glad you did.





 

Make YOU a priority... Caregiver Stress

Many times parents and caregivers of children do not think about caregiver stress and how it can affect them. However caregiver stress is real and can take a toll on your family as well as yourself. From a parent who has a child with difficult temperament I find myself dealing with caregiver stress frequently. So what kinds of things can you do to ease that stress that can creep up out of nowhere?

1. Exercise- This is one of the most important things you can do to help with caregiver stress. Often times we find many excuses why we can't exercise, in reality exercise releases a lot of stress. Once you get started and exercise you will be glad that you did.

2. Don't sweat the small stuff- We need to pick our battles when it comes to dealing with our children. Sometimes we need to stop and think, does this really matter in the grand scheme of things.

3. Stop and count to ten- When our external circumstances cause us to react without thinking, sometime we need to just stop, breath and count to ten. Many times our caregiver stress can compound and we can make a mountain out of a mole hill.

4. Take time for you- Even if you can only find a few minutes a day. Schedule time for yourself to do something that you enjoy. Do you like reading, making crafts, taking a bubble bath, listening to music? Take at least 30 minutes a day just for YOU.

Caregiver stress is real and can make a difference in how we can be effective and balanced parents and caregivers. Caregiver stress needs to be taken seriously and you can make a difference in how it affects you. Take steps to prevent yourself from falling in to a spiral downhill.

One activity I like to do with parents during my parent education classes is to take a pitcher of water and fill it. I will then take cups that represent things in life. Our children, jobs, friends, family, other responsibilities. Each cup represents "pouring in to things in life." Often times the pitcher becomes empty before we get to ourselves. Then pouring in to ourselves becomes impossible.

Don't let that happen to you. Make yourself a priority.

 

Learn how to REACT

Having a child with a difficult or “spirited” temperament can be a demanding and rocky road for parents.

 My son Lucas was born on 8-26-06. He wasn't due until late September but decided to make his presence a few weeks early. Lucas' difficult/spirited temperament began very early. Before Lucas was born, I was convinced that children who are raised the same way would have similar outcomes. Was I wrong! My son's personality started shining through very early. He had difficulty breast feeding and it was due to his frustration that the milk wasn't coming out fast enough. He did not sleep well and continues to remain restless at age six. He had terrible night terrors that would wake us up in a dead sleep with him screaming like someone was hurting him. He had little tolerance when things did not go his way and he would break out in tantrums regularly. Lucas was very impulsive, had strong emotions and would act out without thinking about the consequences.  He also could not sit still for more than a minute or so.

These behaviors were such a shock to me and created a very difficult transition.  Truth be told, I was jealous of those parents who had already raised their children and envied those parents that were not struggling with a difficult temperament child. I was exhausted and overwhelmed.  

Today Lucas still has some anger outbursts, he still doesn’t sleep well at night, his attention span is narrow, and he continues to exhibit strong emotions.  However, things have improved from the night terrors, screaming, and impulsive hitting. 

For those of you struggling with a child who has a difficult temperament, here are a few tools that could help you REACT in the most appropriate way. 

Routine is important.  Children with a difficult temperament need to know what is coming next.  This can avoid impulsive behavior. They need structure and predictability in their life. 

Encouragement. These children need to be encouraged and challenged.  Many children with difficult/spirited temperament have a high IQ.  Encourage your child when they do not act on impulse, when they make a good choice and choose not to act out.  Many times children with a difficult/spirited personality are remorseful after they react. Find the strengths of these children and focus on that.

Activity is important.  Children who have a difficult/spirited personality need time every day to be active.  Many times they have a lot of energy.  If that energy can be channeled to activity it could avoid outbursts later.

Calm reactions are crucial.  Avoid power struggles with your child.  Learn to pick your battles.  When your difficult/spirited temperamental child has an outburst it is very easy for our emotions to get stirred up. Resist the need to elevate your voice or get upset even when your child is hitting or kicking.  Take a deep breath and know that after the outburst you can talk with your child in a rational way.  Children who are displaying an outburst cannot use reason during that time.  

Teach self-control.  As your child begins to recognize their behavior start teaching self-control.  When they get angry tell them that they need to count to five or take five deep breaths.   Later they will remember that and begin trying to contain their impulsive behavior.  Provide consequences for actions and teach expected behavior. 

By keeping these tips in mind, you can REACT in a much more appropriate way.  Raising a difficult/spirited child can result in a creative, smart, well-rounded child, teenager and adult!

 

What's your style?

Do you and your partner parent differently? Do you ever wonder what the right parenting style is?  Have you thought about your parenting style and how it compares to other parents?

If you answered yes to these questions read on....

What is your parenting style and what does it mean?

1. "Do it my way" style

2. "Do it your way" style

3. "Do it our way" style

Parenting is not an easy job and our children are brought in with their first breath to test us! How we respond to those tests makes a huge difference. In life 10% is what happens to us and the other 90% is how we respond to what happens. You can decide how to respond.

So let's investigate the parenting styles.

The "do it my way" style is the style where the parent makes all the decisions without consulting the child at all. This style is more of a demanding and dominate style. Individuals with this style think that children should be seen and not heard.

The "do it your way" style is a style where the child makes all the decisions. In this style the parent is a passive bystander. The parent allows the child to make bed time decisions and unhealthy lifestyle decisions.

The "do it our way" style is a style of compromise. This style offers guidance without demanding.  Choices and consequences are part of the characteristics of this style. Children have "buy in" to decisions because they helped make them. This style creates a harmonious parent/child relationship.

My challenge to you is to think about your style and think about how you can work towards being a "do it our way" parent.

Empower Life Skills

www.empowerdls.com

75 North Paint St.

Chillicothe, OH 45601

kelly@empowerdls.com

614-989-9642